So I attended a wedding yesterday for one of my son's boys. Not one of my son's boys in the way that they were his son. They were his Bros, his buddies, his partners in crime, his roommates.
The wedding that I had to talk myself into going to was, in a word, Bittersweet. It was bittersweet for me as it symbolized many things to me. It was a reminder to me of Matthew's absence, not that I ever needed help remembering him. It was a reminder of what I will never have with my son. It was a reminder that I will never get to have that Mother/Son dance with my baby. But it was also sweet, because it reminded me how greatly he is missed and how deeply he is loved. It reminded me how many people's lives that my son's life had an impact on. Friendships that were cut short but ran deep with respect and honor.
Matthew's picture was in a frame at the bridal party table, in front of it burned a candle of remembrance. It was placed at the table in front of a place setting, a chair and a beautiful boutonniere for him to wear as if he was coming there.
The best man at the wedding gave the funniest, heartfelt speech and at the end said that "he was just the fill in best man, because the man who should be, couldn't be here with us today... So everyone please join me in giving a toast to Houston" (my son, Matthew Houston) and everyone had champagne and toasted to him.
I was not expecting to hear that and it nearly took my breath away when he gave that toast. My heart fell to my toes and my eyes welled up with tears. Tears of pride, tears of honor and tears of what should have been!!
I love my son's boys! Being with them brings back so many great memories for me. Getting great big bear hugs reminds me so much of him and how he used to bear hug me. And... I don't know just being with so many that loved him somehow brings his presence closer to me.
So, bittersweet is the perfect word for a beautiful yet emotional wedding day. But I got through it!! and I was so glad that I had talked myself into going.
It turned into being such a blessing for me to see his boys and the love for my son that still remained with these guys 30 months after his death. It made me proud to see how they still made Matthew a part of the wedding.
He was there too, I could feel his presence and his presence is beautiful.
And so goes the story, of my grief journey.
Sandra Roman started Good Grief Relief after losing her son, Matthew Kyle in 2016. After enduring the worst imaginable pain ever, she turned to writing. Sandra’s writing has served as an effective method of self-expression and a powerful tool in her grief healing journey. She is currently in the process of writing a book, and she is a member of Cruise Victims International where she has decided to be a strong voice for awareness and change. She lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota with her family.